Those DBZ Kids Say the Darndest Things
by Soultra
Summary: I was watching "Kids Say the Darndest Things" when I suddenly got the mental image of Mr. Satan (aka Hercule) trying to interview Goten and Trunks. This is a very strange story that I sat down and wrote in about 5 min. I hope you like it.


**Those DBZ Kids Say the Darndest Things**

            So far, the World's Martial Arts Tournament had been progressing smoothly.  The final match of the junior division had been more than most of the spectators expected from the adults.  The fans were excited and eagerly awaiting the adult competition.

            Mr. Satan took an aspirin and a long drink of water.  His head still ached from where Trunks had hit him, but he'd be okay, especially since he found out his first opponent was to be a woman.  He smiled to himself at the thought.  A few minutes ago, he had gotten his first look at her, and was pleased by her lovely appearance.  She had a weird name – what was it again? Number 18?  It didn't really matter.  There would be no problem in defeating her and, who knew, maybe she might to train with him. He was sure he could sneak in some 'private lessons.' He laughed to himself and examined his appearance in a full-length mirror.  Everything had to be perfect for his victory.

            Yet, at the back of his mind, fear had begun to settle in.  Those boys who had been fighting earlier had exhibiting the same sort of powers as the guys he saw at the Cell Game.  What if those guys had returned?  Not only had he taken the credit, but that ridiculous video had also been shown.  If they were there, no doubt they would be mad. He shuddered at the very thought.

            There was a soft knock at the door. "Mr. Satan?" a voice asked.

            "What is it? Is it time for my fight already?" 

            A man opened the door slightly and looked inside.  "No, sir," the man responded, "but it seems that they have another promotional event they would like you to attend."

            Mr. Satan's face paled.  "Not another exhibition match?" he asked.  There was no way he was going to face that Trunks kid again.

            "I don't think so, sir," came the reply, "they want you to go the television station across the street. They said they would explain more there. Are you going to go?"

            "Of course," Mr. Satan responded, trying to keep his voice from shaking, "Anything for the fans." The man smiled and turned to go. "I just hope it isn't another exhibition match," he mumbled.

            "Sir?"

            "Oh, nothing," Mr. Satan said quickly, "I was just saying, uh, that I hope it's something exciting. My fans expect a good show." He began laughing in his trademark way – loud and obnoxious.

            "Whatever you say sir."

****************************

            "I don't know about this Trunks," Goten said.

            "Don't be such a baby," Trunks complained, yanking off Mighty Mask's hood, "Now, help me with this costume."  

            Goten reluctantly help and within minutes the fighter known as Mighty Mask was left with nothing but his underwear.  The two boys were just about to put on the disguise, when Goku walked around the corner.

            "Goten?" he yelled, "Where are you?"

            Forgetting about the scheme, Goten immediately ran out to his father. "Hey, dad!"

            "There you are," Goku said, "Now, where's Trunks? Is he with you?"

            "Yeah, he's in the bushes over there," Goten answered.

            Not wanting to get caught with the unconscious Mighty Mask, Trunks quickly jumped out of the bushes. "I'm right here," he said, laughing nervously.

            "What are you two doing back here?" Goku asked, smiling, "You know you're not supposed to be."

            "We wanted to fight with the grownups," Goten answered, "Well, Trunks did and he said that if I helped him-"

            "I said that if he helped me," Trunks interrupted, "We could sneak back here so we could watch the adults up close."

            "Huh, but I thought," began Goten.

            "That's all we were going to do," Trunks said, stomping Goten's foot. "Right?"

            "Ow! Trunks why did you do that?" Goten demanded.

            Trunks leaned closer to his friend. "Right?" he repeated.

            Goten finally realized what Trunks was trying to do, so he nodded quickly. "Right!" he agreed.

            Goku looked back and forth between the two, knowing that something was up, but decided to let them keep their secret for now.  "Well, we need to hurry up. There's a studio across the street that we have to go to. I think they're going to put you two on television!"

            "Really?" Goten asked, excited.

            "What's the big deal about that?" Trunks demanded. 

            "I want to be on television!" Goten yelled.

"Alright," Goku said, "follow me." He turned and started away.

            "Yay!" Goten yelled, but then he remembered what they had been doing. "What about him?" Goten whispered, pointing to the bushes that concealed Mighty Mask.

            "Leave him," Trunks said, "he won't be getting up for a while. We'll put on his costume when we get back. Now, let's get this over with." 

****************************

            "So what you're saying is," Mr. Satan began, "Is that all you want me to do is to talk to some kids?"

            "That's right," the director said. "We have some children that will come out on the set. Just ask them a few questions, try to get them to say something cute, and that's that. Oh, and don't forget to look at the cue cards. They'll help you know what to ask."

            "Doesn't sound all that special," Mr. Satan pouted.

            "Look, the parents will love you for this," the director said, "Can you imagine what it will do for you image?"

            Mr. Satan thought for a moment and a smile slowly began to spread across his face. "Now that I think about it," he said, "It doesn't sound like such a bad idea.  But what about my fans at the tournament? Wouldn't they rather see me fight?"

            "We'll be showing this live at the tournament on the blimp that showed the Cell Games Movie. Great movie, by the way."

            "Don't say that!" Mr. Satan demanded, "Now, when do I start?"

            "Soon. I'll tell you when to go on stage. Just wait over there."

            "Okay," Mr. Satan agreed and walked over to his designated spot.

            "Are you sure he's the right guy for this job?" a stagehand asked.

            "He's perfect," the director replied, "I've never seen such a natural ham in all of my life."

****************************

            "I think these are our seats," Bulma announced, pointing to a row.  She sat down, and Vegeta chose the seat to the left of her.  Chichi and Goku sat down immediately to Bulma's right while Krillan and Number 18 chose the seats in front of Bulma and Vegeta with Gohan, whom was still in his Great Saiyaman outfit, and Videl to the right of them. Piccolo had chosen to stay at the tournament, which was good considering his newfound hatred of cameras.  The group chatted nervously as they waited for the show to begin. Suddenly, the lights dimmed and all chatting ceased quickly.

            "Ladies and Gentleman," a masculine voice announced, "Welcome to the show, "What Will Those Kids Say Next." Please welcome our guest host for today, Mr. Satan!"

            "YEAH!" Mr. Satan yelled, running out on stage.  As he rushed over to the microphone, he caught his feet in the wires and tripped, sending him sliding across the stage.  The microphone, which was sliding behind him, caught a soft 'ow' along with some barely audible cursing.  A few mothers quickly covered their children's ears while the director began slowly pounding his head into a nearby wall.

            "Why does he have to be the host?" demanded Vegeta.

            "I know what you mean," Krillan agreed, "What an idiot!"

            Gohan looked over sharply and nodded his head towards Videl.  Krillan mouthed an apology.

            Mr. Satan finally slowed to a stop and quickly got to his feet once more, his nose red from where it had rubbed across the floor.  "I had you fooled, didn't I?" he announced, "You probably thought I tripped." He began laughing again and most of the audience joined in.

            "Well," he said, once he had finished laughing, "Welcome to the show.  We have some very special kids here tonight." He strained his eyes to read the cue card ahead of him. "First, we have, uh, Marrion."

            "That's Marron," the cue card guy corrected.

            "I mean Marron," Mr. Satan said, "Will you come on out here?"

            Krillan and 18's daughter slowly made her way out on stage.  When the audience got a glimpse of the pig-tailed little girl, a series of oohs and ahhs was heard.  Krillan and his wife looked very pleased, while Marron blushed slightly.

            "How did Marron get on the show?" Goku whispered, "I thought they were just going to be talking to Goten and Trunks?"

            "They were," Chichi replied, "but when they came up to talk with me, they saw her and thought she was cute."

            "Which she is," Krillan said proudly.

            Marron meanwhile made her way to a small platform on stage. Mr. Satan helped her to the top of the platform and she took a seat in a chair that was there. "Now, Marron," Mr. Satan began, "How old are you?"

            "Three," she answered with a giggle.

            "So, this is the first martial arts tournament you've seen?" Marron nodded. "Are you here with your mommy or your daddy."

            "They're both here!" Marron squealed, "They're fighting in it!"

            "They are?" Mr. Satan asked, surprised.

            "Uh huh."

            Mr. Satan turned around. "Where are your parents?" he asked.

            The camera began panning the audience and finally stopped on Krillan and 18.  Mr. Satan looked at them closely, and seemed both surprised and amused.  Then, he recognized 18 as being his first opponent.  "Is your mother's name Number 18?" he asked.

            "Yes," Marron said, "but I just call her mommy."

            The audience ahhed appropriately, but Mr. Satan barely noticed.  "You know, your mother has to fight me in the first round," he said, "but don't worry I won't hurt her any worse than I have to."  He began laughing again.

            "What are you doing?" the director whispered, ripping out huge clumps of hair.

            "Mommy's tough," Marron announced.

            "Is that so?" asked Mr. Satan.

            Marron nodded again. "She can beat up my dad!"

            The audience laughed, as Krillan began to blush.  In the row behind him, Goku was nodding, vigorously.

            "Well," Mr. Satan stated, "She'll have to be tough to face me. YEAH!" He began posing for the audience, ridiculously.  Meanwhile, a medic was now performing CPR on the director.

            "Thank you, Marron," Mr. Satan said, helping her off the platform, "It's been nice talking to you."

            "You're welcome," Marron sang out, happily skipping off the stage and hurrying up through the audience to her parents.

            "Now, we have two very special boys to talk to," Mr. Satan read from the cue card, "Goten and Trunks."  Suddenly, his eyes grew wide as his skin tone paled. "TRUNKS!" he yelled, "IT CAN'T BE!"  The audience grew quiet and stared at him in amazement.  Could it be that Mr. Satan sounded afraid?  Quickly, he regained his composure. "Had you fooled again didn't I?" he asked the audience, who began roaring their approval once more. Mr. Satan responded to their cheers, all the while hoping it would be a different Trunks.

            "Pathetic," Krillan mumbled.

            Trunks and Goten came out on stage.  To Mr. Satan's disappointment, not only was this the same Trunks, but he also recognized Goten as being the kid that had fought against him in the last match of the junior division.  He gulped loudly, but tried to remain calm. 

            "Hi there, Champ," Trunks greeted, sarcastically.

            "Yes," Mr. Satan said to the audience, "It's Trunks – the boy who _defeated_ me in the exhibition match."  The audience once again cheered, still thinking that Mr. Satan's defeat had all been staged.

            The cheers aggravated Trunks, so he sat down sullenly in one of the chairs and crossed his arms.  Goten meanwhile had stepped out on stage, and was seemingly frozen in place.  He just stood there staring out into the crowd.

            "Come on, kid," Mr. Satan prodded, "You have to sit in that chair over there."

            "It's just so unbelievable," Goten said, breathlessly.

            "I suppose I am pretty unbelievable," Mr. Satan said, "And just think you're here standing next to me. Amazing, isn't it?"

            "It's not you," Goten answered, "It's all these people.  I got used to it at the tournament but I think there's even more here." 

            Mr. Satan was stunned momentarily silent.  He couldn't believe that this boy didn't care that he was standing next to the World Martial Arts' Champion.  Shaking his head, he guided Goten over to his seat.

            "Hey, Mr. Satan!" Trunks taunted, "I want a rematch!"

            Sweat formed across Mr. Satan's forehead, but he managed to smile for the audience. "What a little champion!" he yelled, "He wants a rematch already!" He laughed boisterously.

            "I'm serious," Trunks insisted, "Are you really that weak or were you just pretending. I need to know."

            Vegeta smirked as he watched Trunks challenge Mr. Satan. "This could be interesting."

            "Don't encourage him," Bulma said, "I don't like that loudmouth any more than anybody else, but this isn't the place or time."

            "I can't believe I'm saying this," Krillan spoke up, "but I agree with Vegeta."  He cupped his hands around his mouth. "GO FOR IT, TRUNKS!" he yelled.

            Videl turned towards Krillan.  "What do you mean, 'go for it'? You act like Dad didn't purposely let Trunks win earlier."

            "Well, of course he did," Krillan said, quickly.

            Mr. Satan, in the meantime, was doing his best to ignore Trunks' challenge. "So, how old are you Trunks?"

            "You're not going to fight me, are you," Trunks said.  Aggravated, he recrossed his arms and his expression was sullen once more.

            "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Mr. Satan asked.

            Trunks refused to respond.

            "Are you parents here?" There was still no response. "Do you know?"

            "His parents are here," Goten spoke up, "They're up there!"

            The camera panned around until it found Bulma and Vegeta.  Bulma waved at the camera, but Vegeta was upset that Trunks wasn't going to get his rematch.  His expression was grim and his arms were crossed tightly across his chest.  Almost in amazement, Mr. Satan looked at Vegeta, then at Trunks. Back to Vegeta. Back to Trunks. "Wow," he said, "no question about paternity there."

            The audience laughed.  Vegeta glanced up at the screen and shrugged, while Goku leaned over towards Chichi. "What's paternity?" he whispered.

            "I'll tell you later," Chichi whispered in response.

             Realizing that Goten was a bit more talkative, Mr. Satan walked over to him. "So, how old are you?"

            "I'm seven," Goten answered.

            "And are your parents here?"

            "They're up there," Goten replied, "Next to Trunks'."

            Again the camera found them.  "You look like your father," Mr. Satan said.

            "That's what Trunks said."

            "What are your parents names?"

            "Chichi and Goku."

            "Goku?" Mr. Satan thought for a moment, "Didn't he fight in the tournament before?"

            "I think so," Goten said, "He's fighting in it this time."

            "Is he the one that trained you?"

            "No. My mom did."

            "Your mom? Why didn't you father train you?"

            "He's dead."

            The audience went completely silent as Mr. Satan blinked a few times in surprise.  Goku was still smiling into the camera, but Chichi was shaking her head.

            "Dead?" Mr. Satan finally managed.

            "Uh huh," Goten continued, "that's why he's got that glowing ring thingy above his head."

            "Okay," Mr. Satan said, walking away, "Well that's about all-"

            "Oh," Goten interrupted, "my brother, Gohan, is here too!"

            "Your brother?" Mr. Satan asked, "Is he dead too?"

            "Of course not, silly," Goten said laughing, "He's right up there. Hiya Gohan!"

            Gohan face appeared on the screen. Most people immediately noticed that this was the 'Great Saiyaman', but not Mr. Satan. His attention was elsewhere.

            "Videl?" Mr. Satan yelled, "What are you doing up there with that skinny kid?"

            "Videl comes over to our house all the time," Goten announced.

            "WHAT ?!?" Mr. Satan roared.

            "Yeah, Gohan was giving us flying lessons," Goten added, "Right Gohan?"

            Gohan was rapidly shaking his head and waving his arms back and forth, trying to get Goten to stop talking.

            "Why are you waving you arms, Gohan?" Goten asked.

            "He's trying to get you to shut up," Trunks said, "No one was supposed to know he is the Great Saiyaman, remember?"

            "Oops!" Goten cried, covering his mouth with his hands.

            "Videl, I want you to get away from that kid right now!" Mr. Satan yelled.

            Suddenly the director sat up on the floor and pushed the medic away. "What are you doing you idiot?!?" he screamed, and collapsed again.

            "Kid," Mr. Satan threatened, turning his attention to Gohan, "You have 10 seconds to get away from my daughter before I come up there and tear you apart!"

            "Hey!" Goten yelled, "No one is allowed to talk that way to my brother that way!"

            "No scrawny kid is allowed around my Videl!" Mr. Satan continued, "You're not good enough for my daughter!"

            "Not good enough!" Chichi yelled, standing up. She was ready to attack Mr. Satan herself, but before she could move, Goten jumped out of his seat.

            "No one talks to Gohan that way!" he cried and hit Mr. Satan with his fist. Goten's blow projected Mr. Satan off the stage, into the audience, into the seats, and partly into the floor beneath the seats. The audience gasped as they stared at Mr. Satan, his head and shoulders hidden beneath the cement floor.

            No one moved for several minutes.  Vegeta was laughing softly, as was Krillan.  Chichi was moaning and Goku just looked confused. Finally, Mr. Satan pulled himself free and managed to stand.

            "This kid's got a great punch too!" he yelled, "Both of these kids are real knockouts!"

            The audience cheered, thinking that all of this had been staged.

            "You've been a great audience," Mr. Satan continued, pleased his plan was working, "Thank you for watching!" The cheers were repeated.

            The director stood up slowly and walked over to his head cameraman.  "Well, it was a disaster," he said, "but we got it. We got it all on tape. That's all we had to do."

            "Well," the cameraman began reluctantly, "about the tape…"

            "What about it?" asked the director, "I've already suffered two heart attacks today so please tell me it's good news."

            "Not really," the cameraman admitted, "You see, the camera just broke. We lost everything."

            "NOOOO!" the director screamed, collapsing to the floor once more, grasping his chest. The medic sighed and moved back into position.

            From a nearby window, Piccolo watched.  The camera was now broken, so he turned to leave. His work here was done.

The End


End file.
